DaveTheAnalyzer

A week or so back, I experienced some guilt and anxiety for a few days and on and off since to a lesser extent for the mistakes I made. I put my foot in my mouth more than once six-seven years ago in my livejournal/dreamwidth activities and said and did some things that were rude and even prejudiced. I even went back to look at one such post and my stomach remained clenched for a day or two. I had to remind myself that I have apologized for some of those actions…though not for others. For anyone who encountered me on ONTD_Feminism, especially that insensitive and tactless post where I vaunted a knights story with some characters only identified by their race and other marginalized groups, I apologize. I wanted to show off my stories and how diverse they were, even though the development was incomplete and I didn’t understand the identities for characters I was describing, nor the implications of only giving more character description to one or two from more privileged groups. I won't do that again. I know a bit more now but I still have a long ways to go. For ONTD_Political, for the posts involving Melissa Harris-Perry and Alice Walker from the Black Agenda Report, I’m sorry. I still have qualms with some of Harris-Perry’s statements and work but that article was poorly written and hateful, especially since Walker did some of the things BAR was condemning Harris-Perry for. I shouldn't have posted it and, though I don’t remember everything about my mindset then, I wouldn't be surprised racism played a part with me aggressively posting articles critical of her for not being a perfect leftist in response to the community's push back. I'll think more carefully about why and when to be critical of public figures of color and I won't engage in aggressive posting again. Anyone who looked at my journal around that time might have seen me railing against the community, to sometimes caustic extent. For those few that did read them (I get so few comments, I’m never sure how many read this journal), I’m sorry. That was spiteful and immature, and that went too far. Some lack of social tact played a part in these and definitely in my actions in Dear_Mun. I played my own OC called “deletion_comp” there, and I was the one who metagammed/infomodded (i.e. assume knowledge of characters' personality and/or universe) with roleplayed characters and asked creepy, sexual questions without the other muns’ consent. For that, I apologize. I was oblivious to the social norms I was violating and thought I was having silly fun, not aware I was annoying or discomforting others. I no longer do roleplay and I'll be more tactful in other situations. I understand if some people I interacted with in these three communities aren’t forgiving or want to interact with me again, but I thought now I should be honest about my mistakes and try to do better on all these fronts.

In other news, I did another Yale study. I heard Mom talk about it with my older brother and decided to participate. Really, I don’t know my job and income prospects as a disabled person, so I need all the money I can get. I won’t go into too much detail in the unlikely case this gets me in trouble but suffice to say it was about tracking eye movements. I don’t remember the exact explanation but it’s about understanding autism better and thus knowing how to accommodate us better. I’m not much interested in finding out the results, but it is nice I’m contributing to something good.

That’s all for now. I hope by the end of next month, I can get a handle with my cough and not need to rely on Nightquil to get a full rest. I’ve heard that keeping your eyes from screens a half hour before bed can help you sleep better, so I’m trying that but the jury’s out on its effectiveness so far. Well, until the end of August, see you!